Rainbow After Rain

A Peaceful Weekend

During the first weekend after chemo,  I finally caught up with my sleep I lost from the stress from the treatment and the housing conflict.  I slept until noon.   It was wonderful so feel safe and protected when I was asleep and I could feel the presence of my mom.  We haven’t been communicating with other roommates.   We lock our doors when we go out.  It’s sad to build up walls against people who share an intimate living space  with, but that’s what we can do now.  We are trying our best to preserve some peace and happiness to our best ability. 

The side effects of chemo weren’t that overwhelming yet, I took opportunities to stay active and maintain my physical strength.  Saturday was beautiful, we walked to the Mission District. My mom said the streets in the Mission reminded her of Hankou, the commercial district of Wuhan.  I had a haircut in a salon in West Portal later that afternoon.  I felt relieved afterwards.  The short hair brings out more energy and spirit in me.  

I went to a concert at the Independent with friends.  The main band, Thao didn’t show up until two hours after. I had to leave after seeing them for half an hour.  Thao did put up a great show. I like her music better live.

It’s nice to have a weekend not planning on medical things.

Through the Clouds

It was raining heavily this morning when I was in the infusion center.  Someone who is very dear to me shared something with me, I was shocked and was in a deep grief.  I wish I could  be there to for him through the tough transition.  I know, taking care of myself and staying well would be the best form of support for him, silently.

Since my diagnosis and hearing stories about my friends,  I feel my outlook on life and what’s important to me have completely transformed, for the better.  I’m no longer wrapped up in my own world.  There are so much more to life than feeling bitter and self-pity.  I have nothing to hold me back from enjoying life.  I cherish the simple joy, kindness, wonderful things that I experience from everyday. A smile from stranger, a call from an old friend, or emails with kind wishes, a drawing depicting an inspiring story will brighten up my days.  I realize I had no choice of getting cancer, but I have a choice of how to live with it, I choose to fight cancer and my fear of death with humor and an open heart…

Another silver lining from the diagnosis: before, I never had the opportunity to open up to my parents. I’m used to living life my own way for the years and shutting my world off from my parents. Growing up in China,  I tried very hard to be a good student, being an over-achiever.  Everything looked good on the outside, I never revealed my innermost feelings to my parents, because I was afraid that they would never understand me

But the hardship has brought me and my family together more than ever. I feel very connected to them. I am not afraid to express my affections to my mom and dad.  I kissed my mom many times this morning I first woke up and in the hospital while she was waiting for me.  I say “I love you” to  my parents everyday and I really mean it.  They will always respond “I love you too”.  My world feels whole instantly…

When the IV was almost done, I stood up by the window, feeling relieved, since I will take two weeks off from having chemo everyday.  The sky slowly cleared out.   The sun shined through the deep clouds.  The golden dome of the State House at the civic center glowed in a distance.  The scene was so thrillingly beautiful!  I smiled…

Goodbye, Dad – Mom and I will Take Care of Each Other!!!

My dad left this morning.  He left on his own.  I was still in bed.  He didn’t let mom and I see him off at the airport, because he wanted us to get more rest and prepare for chemo.  I was in tears after he left. I started to miss him already. It’s me and my mom now.  I never thought of the impact of my illness from my parents’ perspective.  I can’t imagine what my mom is going through on her own here, without knowing anyone, doesn’t speak the language, and seeing her only daughter going through a decaying stage of chemo, but she has to pretend she’s okay on the outside to comfort me whenever I need her.  She makes me realized the greatest of love of all humankind – a completely selfless devotion to her child.  I wonder if I could ever love her back as much. When I am with her I’m home, no matter where I am, or what I am going through.  I could be nobody, own nothing, critically ill, her love grows even stronger. Family has always been very important in my values. But it has never become so important to me.  It’s literally my everything for me now.

I’m feeling from my gut that I am so proud to be their daughter, for them to give me life to this wonderful world and nurturing me to be a kind person.  I need to be strong for myself and people who truly love  me.

I had a whole day at the hospital. I felt more tired than before.

Later in the evening,  we I had a house meeting today to talk about the living situation that we are going to face in the next few months regarding my treatment. My roommates have been very upset about the situation of adding an additional person in the house.  They can’t accept the proposal that my mom is likely to stay longer than earlier January.  I had no other choice at the moment.  After spending most of my savings on the procedures prior to chemo,  and living off disability checks every months,  I don’t have the energy or the money to find a better place for me and my mom to stay.

I’m uncertain how long my treatment is going to be exactly or the challenges I’m going to face medically.  Out of all the panic,  the cold hearted people were talking about “getting a sweet deal” out the living situation, asking me to pay rent for my mom, so they can feel more justified.

Based on the “Rent Board Rules and Regulations: Secion 6.13: Probition Against Agreements to Pay for Additional Occupant: “No extra rent may be charged soley for an additional occupant to an exisiting tenancy, regardless of the precense of a rental agreement or lease which specifically allows for rent increase for additional rent increase for additional tenants. [...]”

I tried to maintain calmness in front of my roommates whose  intentions are ask us to move out for better living situation (for themselves, so they feel comfortable of bringing their girlfriend or boyfriend in).  All they see in their eyes is how to get more money out of someone who’s in trouble for their own benefits…I would have lost my faith in humanity, if there are the people I had to deal with everyday in my life. Luckily, my life is filled with joyful souls, and kind people. I never imagined I would  live with the such mean people in addition to what I need to fight physically.

My mom got really sad after seeing me arguing with them.  She tried to argue with my roommates in Chinese.  I pulled her back and hugged her. We cried together.  In the back of my mind, I was thinking I cannot let these corrupted souls bring me down.  I need to take care of my mom and her emotional well being. We went out for a walk. I told her things would be okay.

(Sorry this post has gotten a little unbearable to read…I won’t think about it further tonight. I will try to gather all the resources and support that I can to find a solution. Things will get better tomorrow. The sun rises.  :)

Day 2 of Chemo

Nov. 17,  2009

There were many challenges today:  Firstly, I still have to have to make a decisions on the medications I would receive today.  Ideally, BEP is the best formula to treat germ cell tumor, almost 100% prognosis.  My oncologist had really strong opinion against  switching the two major components, because the benefits of sticking with the statistically proven regiment certainly overweights the risk of choosing the alternatives which might lower the prognosis by 5%-10%.

Since I had strong allergic reaction to Etoposide yesterday, I almost fainted after only 700ml. My oncologist asked me to “re-challenge” the medication with some injection to prevent allergic reactions.  Luckily, I wasn’t reacting to the med the second round.  So I’m strictly following the BEP regiment. The oncology nurse D told me, the cure rate might be close to 100%…which was very heart warming.

My oncologist is among the best in the field. She wrote half of the textbooks in gynecological cancer, very busy. I hardly have a chance to get a hold of her when critical decisions needed to be made quickly. It’s also hard to get first hand information from her. It’s always passed down through a nurse or my other doctor. But I trust her decisions and expertise.

Second challenge:  my roommate responded to my email explaining my parents stay negatively. She indicated in the email that she wanted us to move out.  I try to be calm and reasonable.  She is going a lot of stress and her own issues, sure, everyone has them.  I can’t believe that anyone could say something so mean in the most critical time of my life…I told her that I am not going to leave because I share my right to stay as much as she does, and hopefully we can resolve the conflicts assuming that everyone continues to live under the same roof.  I feel more empathetic to her than being upset or feel sad. Although my body is going through a weakened state,  I feel strong and powerful in my mind.  I cherish every day I get and every interactions I have with my friends and family.  I’m not afraid of facing life challenges. I feel loving and open.

Like my good buddies PL’s and EK’s words, in the grand scheme of things, this little roommate conflict is so trivial.  Someday, I might have some humor to laugh at it.  I need to focus my energy on healing and quality time with my family. Tomorrow I will focus on enjoying  the last day with my dad. He’s leaving this Thursday. I only get to spend another 24 hours with him…I already feel like crying, thinking about his departure.  I never said “I love you, dad” since he came to visit me.  I will let him know that.

First Chemo Session

My first chemo cycle starts this morning.  I’m not too worried about it.  I’m under the care of a good oncologist. I look forward to getting my treatment started, so I can get better to live the vibrant life that I want. I’m about to a get a good night’s sleep to get through the day.

I had my first session in the morning. My nurse, D, was a really pleasant guy. He went through the legal consent forms with me and explained to me all the possible side effects that I might get thoroughly. He told me that I’ve seen many patients with similar cancer. The type of cancer I have – germ cell tumoris very rare, only found in younger women under 30.  The prognosis is very promising above 90%.  It’s the female version of what Lance Amstrong had before he became the world champion.   My chemo treatment is based on the formula BEP = Bleomycin +Etoposide + Cisplatin.  The tumor is really sensitive to the chemo.  The goal is to reduce a marker in my blood AFP down to normal range. Unlike other cancer, all other common cancer markers such as CA 125 are under the normal range.   I have AFP to fight down from 1330 to below 15.

One side effect of Bleomycin, is concerning though, because it might affect lung function – reducing its full capacity by 5-10%.  Most people who’re not professional athlete, don’t even notice the change.  Lance Amstrong didn’t use Bleomycin because of his concern for his cycling career.  Remaining physically active is really important for me, and planning for my future adventures every year.  I made a promise to myself to do something challenging and fun every year.  I did skydiving from 18000 ft this year.   I hope to use something that has the least side effects to my lung while maintaining the power to fight the cancer, because I have so many things on my to-do list that I need a healthy lung for: like scuba diving, marathon and karaoke singing, etc. I told D about my honest concerns.  He was supportive and assured me that he would consult with my oncologist and work out a plan tomorrow.

He mentioned that he bikes from San Francisco to LA every summer. It takes a week, 80 miles a day. I started biking a lot under the influence of my Triathlon roommate several months ago. I hope to get back in shape soon so I can entertain the idea of biking 80 miles a day for 7 days.  It’s every June. I might not be able to do it next year, but definitely the year after. I will need to listen to my body’s needs very attentively.  I tend to push myself too hard at times.  I’ve defnitley gotten more mellowed out by cancer…

Worth mentioning today, I had a strong allergic reaction to one of the medication: Etoposide. I had severe flashes, on the verge of fainting. Fortunately, the nurse was in the room while it happened. He immediately stopped the medicine and gave me some Steroid and nausea medicine.  I was really scared when it happened. I started to get really light headed, which reminded of the fainting happened on the night of my birthday. I got home and felt a lot better some rest.  EL and KL came to see me after work.  It was really heart warming. Another comforting is that I haven’t lost any of my appetite yet. I have no intention of losing weight, either. Because D warned me any weight loss would be hard on my kidney during chemo. So I had a legit reason to not to feel guilty on taking big bites of that delicious mochi green tea ice cream crepe after lunch my mom brought to the hopstial: bok choy, pork rib and tunip soup and brown rice.

At night, there was an unpleasant roommate conflict due to my family’s stay. One of them doesn’t feel they are welcomed, but really being passive aggressive about it.  I got really on edge and defensive. But thanks to PB for being understanding, I calmed down. Living with others who have differences in a small place, misunderstandings are bond to happen.  I’m really sad that I have to deal with roommate conflict in addition to what I am already dealing with. But it’s my only sanctury here overseas. I want to make it feels like a home I can return and relax, esp.  after chemo…It’s not the best time for me to consider moving out right now,  so I’ll try to stay open to my roommates and gain their understanding in order to make a better living situation for all of us.  Ah, it’s life.  I won’t let it bother me that much…

(This blog is very much the matter-of-fact like.  I’ll be more poetic in my writing next time.)

The Shock in Early October, 2009

First Day of Oct., 2009

Being 25 is a beautiful age. I always look forward to becoming a quarter of a century old – living in a state filled with youthful energy, dreams and aspirations balanced with the maturity and experience to overcome life’s challenges.  Although my generation seems to have a longer journey towards what’s considered “adulthood” from our parents’ generation – having a career that you would keep until your retirement, and settling down with family and children, I am fortunate to have found many things in life that fulfill me. Personally, socially and professionally, things are going well for me.  I never expected to be diagnosed with cancer soon after my 25th birthday. It was as if life played a prank on me. It’s been a month since I was told the diagnose. Although I’m a very strong person, I’m still learning to cope with the traumatic experience how my symptoms averted and the uncertain diagnose. At the same time, I emphasize with my family and friends the scare and shock my illness has brought them.

Since half a year before I was diagnosed, I had been feeling unwell.  In fact, I noticed some abnormal symptoms.  I went to the doctor several times in hope of finding out the reasons behind the symptoms  that can be categorized as common stress-related health issues, such as bloating, insomnia, poor appetite, fatigue and headaches. If only I knew more about cancer. I never thought I would be a cancer patient myself, esp. at this young age. I have always been very healthy and never had much major health problems besides some sports injuries.  If only I would have persistently communicated with my doctor about the abnormal bleeding between my monthly cycles, and occasional but severe abdominal pain, and low fever that’s not induced by cold or flu, I would have been diagnosed long before the tumor showed its ugly head and acted out in a dramatic way.

On my way to meet friends for dinner,  I suddenly felt severe pain in my abdomen. Before I could find a place to sit down, I fainted and fell unconscious for 15 seconds. Fortunately,  I was leaning on to my friend, so I didn’t fall directly onto the concrete. My friend called 911. Soon an ambulance arrived outside the restaurant. Although I’ve gained my consciousness back and was able to walk.   I decided to go to the ER. Two friends accompanied me.  I had been to the ER before for stomache. So I was hoping to spend no more than three hours, going through same procedure – IV and some pepcid, then home as a free person again.  Inside the ER, my friend and I was joking about how dramatic my dinner plan had turned into an adventure in the hospital.  However, back in my mind,  I was little worried: first, my pain has been on-going for several months; secondly, I had never fainted before. The ER doctor gave me a physical exam in my abdomen.  He immediately had a frown. Then he asked me to have an ultrasound and then based on that, a CT scan. I realized something much more serious than I thought was emerging. We waited until almost 2 am. The ER doctor came with another doctor.  I was told that I had a large tumor…They recommended me to stay in the hospital over night, because I might need to have surgery the next day.  A group of specialists will come to see me the next morning and collectively make a decision whether to move forward on the surgery. I was squeezing my friend’s hands when I heard the result.

Many things were rushing through my head. Tumor, what does that mean? Could it be cancer? Why is this happening to me? Why on this special day? I never had any surgery in my life, what life threatening thing needed surgery right away?  What if things go wrong? What about my parents? How do I have the courage to inform them that their only daughter is critically ill…I didn’t have time to process my doubts and emotions…I felt like someone just strangled my throat and dragged me in a dungeon.

My friend was also so shocked that we started crying together.  I had no family in the United States. I’m so grateful to have her in my life. She’s like the sister that I never had.  The meaningful friendship gave me a lot of courage to maintain hope and warmth in my heart, while I was lying in the cold and depressing ER room.  It was two and a half in the morning. I told her to go to bed. She had to work tomorrow. She gave me a kiss on the forehead and told me: “Be strong. I will see you tomorrow.”

I didn’t sleep at all that night, lying on the hopstial bed in a gown. I could hear the nurses walk quickly on the hallway. The clock seemed to spin faster than ever.  I saw the sky outside the window getting brighter and brighter.  I had never felt so afraid in my life…how fragile life can be. Memories of the life prior to this night seemed so far away and strange.  At that moment, its vibrancy became faded, its symphony, muted. Time stopped. I was thrown into an abyss of darkness, a void. I couldn’t no longer stay on the ground. I was floating, thinner than air, lighter than a spec of dust.

(To be Continued)

Rainbow After Rain Launch!

Hi,

I wanted to introduce Rainbow After Rain to the World!

Sincerely yours,

W.W.W.