Rainbow After Rain

Meeting an Old Friend

It’s so important to keep the connections with people who you know for a long time.  I’m a big believer in retaining the people who I have shared a lot of with. It’s of tremendous value to me, always makes feel conscious of who I was and who I am.  I also enjoy sharing myself and my growth with them.  H. P from Virginia visited SF this week for a conference. Last time I saw him was at my college graduation. It’s been a while. So as we attempted to describe the past two years of our lives, the nature of our conversation wasn’t about the facts and details. It’s refreshing to suddenly being forced zoom out of my current life,  seeing it in a bigger picture.  I walked him through the important threads that weaved through my past two years since I moved to California, the happiness, the hardship, challenges, and future hopes. Yeah, that means many cups of tea and boxes of Kleenex.

I later asked if I have changed. He said no.

I laughed: “Yeah, still goofy as usual. But I feel I’ve grown up a lot. A lot…”  I went quiet.

He said: “You enjoy your life even though things are hard”. I felt grateful hearing that from him.

Even though I didn’t tell him that for the past few months, I trying was to win the cancer war. Things were hard for me, indeed. He didn’t know that I had cancer…I kept it under the cover with an ease on my face, as if the hard times were just about some boy problem or frustration at work…I did survive the cancer fight, no, not only survived it. I haven’t changed the way I had lived before. Maybe only with more motivation and dedication to the things I believe in. I’m very proud of that part of myself…

My friends are constantly giving me kind words and great insights that help me to enrich my own. I have moments of epiphanies, joined by tears of joy, and heart chill. I was thinking to myself. I want to live with such connections to the world forever!

Tomorrow I’m hosting a dinner celebration with friends at Butterfly. My thoughts right now take flight, light and free, like a butterfly .

Last Day of Chemo!

Today is the day that I’ve looking forward to for a long time. After negotiating with my team of oncologists, they asked me to this extra week of the fourth cycle as the safest solution to ensure that I don’t ever see the cancer coming back again. The germ cell cancer doesn’t usually return later in life. My oncologist told me if it doesn’t return within 2 years, I’m most likely to won’t see it again. That means a cure! I hope today’s session can get all last bits of the cancer cells…

It’s the final day, also a new beginning. I feel excited.

The Patient-Doctor Relationship

Today is the last day of my third cycle. It’s been 9 weeks since I started chemo. I need to congratulate myself of coming a long way.  I didn’t sit around, feeling miserable. In my chemo session, I told my nurse D, that I wish I could be running with IV on. I find a lot of joy. I threw myself into things I enjoy – art and crafts, connected with friends and my family, and developed new interest in theater and acting…Now my AFP is within the normal level. Remission is within reach. Just as I thought I was almost done with the chemo this week, my oncologist poured a big bucket of cold water on me last week. It’s only the third time to meet her. Once after each cycle. I do find it hard to communicate with her…because each time I attempted to contact her, she’s always in the OR. Although she’s like an authority figure in the gyn oncology field, I don’t feel I get enough attention or direct communication with her. So when she told me that she strongly felt I need a 4th cycle. Because at the very beginning, the plan was to have a full cycle after AFP becomes negative. The end of my 2nd cycle, it is already in the normal range. So according to the plan, I only need three cycles – that just ended today. But she suddenly she changed her plan and told me to do one more cycle, b/c of her intuition that 3 cycles is cutting corners…I felt betrayed and being forced…Out of primal instinct, I, of course, feel reluctant to having more chemo…

I strongly reacted to her decision and change of plan…my body trembled with scare.

I already have some hearing loss. My finger nails are starting to come off.  Yes, they will grow back soon. I just started to accept the loss of my hair, it’s not an easy process to go through physically and emotionally…What would happen to me after another cycle of chemo? Why they can’t develop more effective drugs that just kill the cancer cells?

Okay…okay…no use complaining.

The Dr. and I had a long discussion. We agreed to make decisions together by this week based on test results and CT scan.  I haven’t heard from her yet.

I later consulted a doctor friend, who patiently explained his POV from the doctor’s side. I got a better understanding of the intricate relationship between patient and doctor. I understand where she was coming from – I am falling into her statistics game. But what she can’t control or predict is my body…oncology is an trial and error art as it is a science…Nobody is sure whether the extra round would kill ALL the cancer cells or not. Does it do more harm than good to my body, from the permanent damages such as lungs, hearing and neuropathy.  So as much as it’s hard statistics and science of medicine, it’s also experience and intuition.

I admire the mental strength to be an oncologist, but I wish I never see her again after this is all over. Maybe as a friend, but not as my doctor!

I have been a chicken, not voicing my thoughts to my doctor clear enough. I have so many questions yet to be answered…The anxiety is eating me up like thousands of ants eating my head…I need to be more aggressive in terms of getting answers from my doctor…at least knowing why she changed her plan…at least, to gain a peace of mind, if I do end up doing another round.

First thing in the morning tomorrow, I will call my oncologist and see if I can meet her in person.

I listed some questions to ask the doctor tomorrow: Permanent side effects? What are the odds that the 4th round would help me? Whether should continue Lupron after chemo?

Other things to think about  30 Pros & 30 Cons…