Something not so good happened at work today. I was very frustrated and upset. But all I can do now is to be the good person and dive through the rough patch. I will be okay.

I feel like a wild flower. Before, I wished that there was someone who can be there for me, and take care of me and even pamper me. I realized the only person who can do that is myself.

Being a wild flower is hard. It means to be out in the open field, to confront potential threats and the temperament of the environment on a daily basis…I can’t be weak, because there is no safety net for me to fall back on. I’m not in a conservatory…I wish I don’t have to be so strong all the time. I hope after I go through this time, and look back at it, I can smile with my heart, with no regrets, without fear. Thank for the people who are like wind, bees, sunshine in my life, that help me survive and thrive…

There is so much I want to experience in life: to bring joy to the world, to publish a book and share my experience, to learn another language, to travel to another country, to get an advance degree, to be more developed in my career, to be more financially stable, to enjoy time with friends, to be a health advocate, to be there for others in need, hopefully fall in love, have a family of my own (I don’t know if that’s possible for me right now…at least I want to be able to), to take care of my parents…ultimately, to walk through the journey of life with grace and dignity…

I want so much. I want to share. I want to express. I want give, whatever I can.
What can a wild flower do? I’m not royal, the most beautiful or special…
If I can bring a smile to someone else, I will be happy.

I want to experience all the moments as they come to me…Even during this moment, when I cry my eyes out…I know when I find reasons to smile, and laugh, those will be the heartfelt moments that will be worth living for, and I know it’s awaiting for me.

Fuck you, cancer. I said goodbye to you already! Why don’t you fucking leave my life, my memory, my future? Go away! I don’t want to see, hear, think about you anymore! I’m tired of being scared, living in fear.

I will be alright…I’m angry, but optimistic.

Later on, a good college friend of mine, LB, shared good news that she is getting married next Tuesday. I’m really happy for her. She’s gone through some rough times in her life, but she is always very resilient and has a burst of energy and fire. I wish her love and happiness in the years to come. I hope that her resilience will guide her through future challenges having a family of her own. Marriages is not an easy thing. I admire people who have the courage and wisdom to go through life and grow old together.

Today seems like an interesting binary – death and wedding. In Chinese culture, we call wedding, Red event, and funeral, Black event. We spend a lot of money on them. Both are transitions, leaving one kind of life behind to a new. It takes a lot of courage for both transitions.

1. I did sky diving from 18000 ft.
2. I survived cancer with strength, and found lots of support!I live strong!
3. I got back into drawing again as a habit. Posted my first cartoon series. I will continue for another year.
4. I got closer with my family.
5. I passed LEED AP and on my way to get my ARE exams cracked, too!
6. I had the courage to flaunt my bald head publicly.
7. I pursued an acting class and found my interest in theater.
8. I learned to laugh unconditionally.
9. I learned to appreciate life more. The sad part, too, like catharsis.
10. I always have love in my life. Sometimes it transforms into something else. But all was a gift of life. I’m blessed and hopeful.

1. Every person has cancer cells in the body . These cancer cells do not show up in the standard tests until they have multiplied to a few billion. When doctors tell cancer patients that there are no more cancer cells in their bodies after treatment, it just means the tests are unable to detect the cancer cells because they have not reached the detectable size.

2. Cancer cells occur between 6 to more than 10 times in a person’s lifetime.

3 When the person’s immune system is strong the cancer cells will be destroyed and prevented from multiplying and forming tumors.

4. When a person has cancer it indicates the person has multiple nutritional deficiencies . These could be due to genetic, environmental, food and lifestyle factors .

5. To overcome the multiple nutritional deficiencies, changing diet and including supplements will strengthen the immune system.

6. Chemotherapy involves poisoning the rapidly-growing cancer cells and also destroys rapidly-growing healthy cells in the bone marrow, gastrointestinal tract etc, and can cause organ damage, like liver, kidneys, heart, lungs etc.

7. Radiation while destroying cancer cells also burns, scars and damages healthy cells, tissues and organs.

8. Initial treatment with chemotherapy and radiation will often reduce tumor size.. However prolonged use of chemotherapy and radiation do not result in more tumor destruction.

9. When the body has too much toxic burden from chemotherapy and radiation the immune system is either compromised or destroyed, hence the person can succumb to various kinds of infections and complications.

10. Chemotherapy and radiation can cause cancer cells to mutate and become resistant and difficult to destroy. Surgery can also cause cancer cells to spread to other sites.

11. An effective way to battle cancer is to starve the cancer cells by not feeding it with the foods it needs to multiply .

CANCER CELLS FEED ON:

a.. Sugar is a cancer-feeder. By cutting off sugar it cuts off one important food supply to the cancer cells.. Sugar substitutes like NutraSweet , Equal, Spoonful, etc are made with Aspartame and it is harmful . A better natural substitute would be Manuka honey or molasses but only in very small amounts. Table salt has a chemical added to make it white in color. Better alternative is Bragg’s aminos or sea salt.

b. Milk causes the body to produce mucus, especially in the gastro-intestinal tract. Cancer feeds on mucus . By cutting off milk and substituting with unsweetened soy milk cancer cells are being starved.

c. Cancer cells thrive in an acid environment. A meat-based diet is acidic and it is best to eat fish, and a little chicken rather than beef or pork. Meat also contains livestock antibiotics, growth hormones and parasites, which are all harmful, especially to people with cancer.

d. A diet made of 80% fresh vegetables and juice, whole grains , seeds, nuts and a little fruits help put the body into an alkaline environment . About 20% can be from cooked food including beans. Fresh vegetable juices provide live enzymes that are easily absorbed and reach down to cellular levels within 15 minutes to nourish and enhance growth of healthy cells. To obtain live enzymes for building healthy cells try and drink fresh vegetable juice (most vegetables including bean sprouts) and eat some raw vegetables 2 or 3 times a day. Enzymes are destroyed at temperatures of 104 degrees F (40 degrees C).

e. Avoid coffee, tea, and chocolate , which have high caffeine. Green tea is a better alternative and has cancer fighting properties. Water-best to drink purified water, or filtered, to avoid known toxins and heavy metals in tap water. Distilled water (not the same as filtered) acidic, avoid it .

12. Meat protein is difficult to digest and requires a lot of digestive enzymes . Undigested meat remaining in the intestines becomes putrefied and leads to more toxic buildup..

13. Cancer cell walls have a tough protein covering. By refraining from or eating less meat it frees more enzymes to attack the protein walls of cancer cells and allows the body’s killer cells to destroy the cancer cells.

14.. Some supplements build up the immune system (IP6, Flor-ssence, Essiac, anti-oxidants, vitamins, minerals, EFAs etc.) to enable the bodies own killer cells to destroy cancer cells. Other supplements like vitamin E are known to cause apoptosis, or programmed cell death , the body’s normal method of disposing of damaged, unwanted, or unneeded cells.

15… Cancer is a disease of the mind, body, and spirit . A proactive and positive spirit will help the cancer warrior be a survivor. Anger, un-forgiveness and bitterness put the body into a stressful and acidic environment. Learn to have a loving and forgiving spirit. Learn to relax and enjoy life.

16. Cancer cells cannot thrive in an oxygenated environment. Exercising daily , and deep breathing help to get more oxygen down to the cellular level. Oxygen therapy is another means employed to destroy cancer cells.

1.. No plastic containers in micro .

2. No water bottles in freezer .

3. No plastic wrap in microwave .

Today at our art therapy session, our theme is dealing with death and grief. I drew a girl with a kite with watercolor – a symbol I use a lot, which will be the main character of my children’s book. I just realize watercolor is a hard medium, because you have to know exactly what you are doing…Unlike acrylic/oil painting, you can cover your mistakes with another layer. Watercolor, you have to be precise and bold at the same time, similar to Chinese ink painting. I checked out some books on watercolors, going to work with watercolor more often.

A person I met, Alicia, when I started Art for Recovery Program is near the end of her life. She has been dealing with cancer for the past 8 years. She’s only 27 years old. She has a rare cancer, which grows out of blood vessels. It’s impossible to surgically remove it, because she would bleed to death. It spreads to her hip, lungs and brain. She has been a fighter. She has been writing her story against cancer on a local newspaper for a few years, which has won her a writing award. However, her condition worsened, and she chose to deal with it privately.

I was shocked to find out that her condition is so bad that she could pass away at any moment. Now all that is sustaining her life is drug and oxygen tank.  I am close to her in age. It’s hard to see someone so youthful dying. All these about her, I only learned recently – in the last days of her life. I remember what Cindy said when all of us were grieving for Alicia: “When people die, our relationship with them continue.” Alicia, you will be missed. May peace be with you!

Seeing people dying makes me appreciate the physical strength and quality of life that I have. Despite the migraines and ringing in my ears at times.  I’m cancer free. I’m getting back to live a normal life. I don’t know what kind of health issues I encounter in the future. But everyone in some way or another would experience that issue. We are mortal beings. What I need to focus on right now is taking care of myself, surrounding myself with positive and supportive people that align with my vision, being grateful of what I have, keeping things balanced, cultivating my dreams and passions, the last but not the least, is not to be so harsh on myself – thus I can be more gentle and kind to others.

I always feel the art therapy room a safe place for me to express myself, whatever I feel, joy, sadness, and fear…I show up and sit among others and make art. Just being there makes me feel grounded. No matter how crappy I feel physically, once I get there I feel at home and comfortable. I’m grateful to have met the kindest people, who are full of wonderful spirits.  We share good laughs and heartfelt conversations about life. I would never have the opportunity to meet them and learn so many things from them. Each of them feels like part of a family to me and has given great strength during my journey. I hope I can keep my Wednesday open so I can continue going to the workshop.

A poem Greg's ex wife who passed away wrote when she was fighting cancer...

My mom is leaving tomorrow morning. It will be a big change not having her around all the time. I will live by myself again like I used to. I feel it’s gonna be great for my mom to return to her love – my dad (They are still affectionate and cute together~~) and her work and friends. She’s been deprived of those for such a long time to be a full time care taker. I’m glad both my mom’s and my life will return to normal.

KL is really kind to drive us to the airport, and offer me some mental support. I will need a lot of Kleenex. I mean a LOT! That’s how I cleanse up my system and stay cheerful. You don’t need to worry that the bay area is going to be under water any time soon, because I will need several years of non-stop crying to create 0.00000000001 inch rise in sea level.

I’m going to spend the rest of the night with my mom, talking and sharing ourselves. I’m surely gonna miss her a lot!

via MAKE THE CALL | LIVESTRONG Action.

How do I get back to a normal life after remission?  What I can or cannot do? Will it ever be the same again?  Now that I’m so used to always having someone around me.  My mom is leaving next month.  I subconsciously feel anxious about it.  How can I get used to living by myself again? I know I’m never alone and there are so many great friends caring for me. But with family being thousands of miles away, when big life crisis like this happens, it can get really scary. I don’t want to experience that scare again…I wish my parents could be closer that I could drop by on a weekend for dinner from time to time. But that’s just a luxury for now.

I had some nightmares over the past weekend. I woke up in the middle of the night, breathing really hard…and didn’t want to fall back to sleep to the dark dreams…I’m not a Freudian, but I believe that dreams are manifestations of the subconsciousness in the narrative form. My dreams are very visual, as if playing a movie. I can recall the vivid colors and imageries long after I wake up. I do remember images really well, and they cause a lot of emotional response in me.  That’s why I don’t watch horror movies since I lived on my own.

M.dS, my BFF from college visited me over the weekend. On the bus going home from J-town, he asked me if I feel San Francisco has become home for me. I responded: “I don’t know. I don’t feel I have a home now.”

Now that reflecting back on his question and my answer, it’s not that I don’t find SF home. Maybe I was rethinking about the definition of home itself. I haven’t been back to Wuhan since summer of 2007. Home has become an idea for me now.

Home…is what I carry around with me everyday, is on the pages of sketchbook I take out,  in the poems I jolt down in the middle of the night and the drawings I doodle in a cafe, is the person I look into the eyes and kiss tenderly, is in the voice of my best friend “I’ve got your back”, is in the delicious homemade meals prepared with love, is in the beauty I see in that fleeting existence of the rainbow that make me cry…

I’m home when I feel very connected to others and my surrounding. I don’t need to travel thousands of miles away to feel home.  Because being a nomad for seven years has taught me how to create those connections and build my make-believe sanctuary in my mind. You can say, it’s self-deceiving or blind faith. I am consciously choosing to be a romantic fool. It helps me to better deal with challenges in life, and stay true to my own nature. Thus, it’s important for me to find the interconnected feelings among my daily lives, and meaning in what I am doing. I love music and visual art in a way that they can express the inexpressible and connect people through things larger than themselves. I feel viscerally compelled to express and to reflect. I’m not just into making beautiful things and crafts. It is a necessity for me to feel alive, like water for the soul.

I know I will be fine.

Music that expresses some of what I’m feeling:

In an Expression of the Inexpressible by Blond Redhead

I Can’t Feel My Hand Any More, It’s Alright, Sleep Still (5:40) by Mum

Help, I’m Alive (4:46) by Metric

Here’s the lyric for the song

I tremble, they’re gonna eat me alive
If I stumble they’re gonna eat me alive
Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?
Beating like a hammer

Help, I’m alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft, tough to be tender
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train

Help, I’m alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer

If you’re still alive my regrets are few
If my life is mine what shouldn’t I do?
I get wherever I’m going, I get whatever I need
While my blood’s still flowing and my heart’s still
Beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer

Help, I’m alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft, tough to be tender
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train

Help, I’m alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer

If you’re still alive my regrets are few
If my life is mine what shouldn’t I do?
I get wherever I’m going, I get whatever I need

While my blood’s still flowing and my heart’s still beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer

I tremble, they’re gonna eat me alive
If I stumble they’re gonna eat me alive
Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?
Beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer

Help, I’m alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer